Infected
by Irrepressable
Summary: Clara and the Doctor find themselves with an alien STD. The strange symptoms of the infection force them to finally be honest with each other. Possibly one of the crackiest things I've ever written.


Lately, Clara Oswald had been adding things to her list of regrets. One of her regrets was using her feminine wiles to persuade a worker at a fast food place to give her more chicken nuggets. It seemed worth it because of the delicious, chicken-y goodness. However, she still regretted it. Then there was the time she used her wide, charming eyes to persuade a cop to not give her a speeding ticket. It seemed worth it at the time, but by the time she got home, she realized how cheap it made her feel. However, her most recent regret topped them all. Last Wednesday, she had done something extremely stupid. She had seduced the Doctor. She had seen it one too many times, that look of smoldering intensity that he made without realizing it. She seduced him and he completely fell for it. The next thing she knew, they were in bed together. The sex had been amazing, but it was still a stupid idea. Afterwards, she immediately fled. She didn't even look back to see the expression on the Doctor's face. One-night stands weren't typically her thing. She had made a dumb decision and now she was paying for it. There was that itching, that damn rash in her crotch that just wouldn't go away. She was definitely furious with the Doctor for not telling her that he had something, but really, she was partly to blame as well. Neither of them had brought up the subject of condoms. She knew that she had to call him, even if it was just to confront him. No sooner had Clara gotten out her phone then the she heard the familiar sound of the TARDIS materializing. Once the ship was fully there, the door was flung open and the Doctor stepped out. He was furious, his eyebrows in full attack mode. "Clara." he ground out. "What the hell did you give me?"

"What did _I_ give _you_?" Clara snapped. "What did _you_ give _me_?"

A muffled voice sounded. It sounded Just like the Doctor's voice, but his lips weren't moving. "She doesn't know?" the voice said. "How could she not know?"

"What was that?" Clara asked.

"It was, well... my penis." the Doctor admitted. "I have genital muppetosis."

"Genital what the what?" Clara's own voice came from her crotch.

"Genital muppetosis." the Doctor clarified. "It's a sexually transmitted infection that causes our genitals to speak our honest thoughts."

"Oh god!" Clara's crotch-voice groaned. "I can't go to work like this! My students will know which ones are my favorites! What if I run into Mr. Dudderson? He'll find out that I hate his guts. I've seen him pick his nose and eat the snot nuggets when he thinks that no one is watching. Gross!"

"It could be worse." the Doctor said reassuringly. "It could be herpaghonosyphilaids."

"Herpa-what?" Clara questioned.

"Herpaghonosyphilaids is the worst sexually transmitted infection of all time." the Doctor said. "It causes you to... well, you don't want to know."

"I hope I don't have to worry about that." Clara's crotch-voice said. "I don't know where he's been."

"Where _I've_ been?" the Doctor's crotch-voice huffed. "Where has _she_ been?"

"I can't believe you!" Clara groaned.

"There had better be a cure for this." Clara's crotch-voice said angrily. "If there isn't, I'm going to kill him."

"Human hyperbole." the Doctor's muffled crotch-voice said. "She won't actually do it. I hope."

The Doctor cleared his throat awkwardly. "There is a cure." he said. "It's not until the 52nd century, though. It can only be found in clinics and hospitals on Arturion Alpha."

"Let's go to Arturion Alpha, then!" Clara said decisively.

"She's determined." the Doctor's penis said. "I like it when she's determined."

"You bet I'm determined!" Clara said. "I'm going to get rid of this thing and so are you!"

"Good." the Doctor said, equally determined.

"I, ah, have to call in sick first." Clara said.

One phone call later, the petite brunette was ready to go into the TARDIS. As the Doctor followed her, she could hear the muffled voice from between his legs say, "I like it when I get to follow her."

"You like it when I'm in charge?" Clara questioned, sounding quite amused.

"I never said that!" the Doctor said hastily.

"You thought it, though." Clara said smugly.

"Enough of that!" the Doctor said with a scowl. "We're going to Arturion Alpha."

With that said, he closed the door behind him and headed over to the console. He quickly set about putting in the coordinates, pressing buttons before finally pulling a switch, sending them hurtling through time and space.

oooooooooooooooooooo

"This is _not_ Arturion Alpha." Clara said with a scowl.

"He's an idiot." Clara's vagina said. "Now we're tied up in a jail cell."

"We are on Arturion Alpha!" the Doctor replied. "We're just in the wrong century. It was well before genital muppetosis first developed."

"Now we've been arrested for witchcraft." Clara huffed.

"Again, not my fault." the Doctor argued.

"How is it not your fault?" Clara argued back. " _You're_ the one who gave this to _me_!"

"I can't believe she did this." the Doctor's muffled voice said. "She slept with an alien and didn't even bring up condoms!"

"Neither did you!" Clara argued.

The voice from between Clara's legs said, "I can't believe that I'm arguing with a penis."

"You didn't deny sleeping with an alien." the Doctor said.

"I didn't sleep with an alien!" Clara snapped. "You're the only alien that I've slept with!"

"He's an idiot." Clara's vagina said. "He's a complete fucking idiot and now my crotch itches and won't shut up."

"Language!" the Doctor barked.

"Whatever." Clara huffed. She then let out a loud, "Ow!"

"What's wrong?" the Doctor asked.

The voice between his legs seemed to be panicking. "What if she's hurt? Oh gods, what if the guards were too rough with her and she's bleeding internally? What if she dies?"

"Doctor, I'm fine!" Clara groaned. "I just cut my finger with a piece of... glass."

" _Idea_!" Clara's vagina chimed.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" the Doctor asked.

"If you're thinking that I can use the glass to cut these ropes, you're right." Clara said with a grin.

"Gods, she's brilliant!" The Doctor's penis said with a tone of awe.

"Shut up, you!" the Doctor scolded his genitals.

"Ha!" Clara's vagina said gleefully. "He thinks that I'm brilliant!"

"I'd tell you not to let it go to your head, but it seems that I'm too late." the Doctor huffed.

A few minutes later, Clara had slowly cut through the ropes and they were finally free. Clara rubbed her wrists while the Doctor headed over to the door. "I don't have my sonic on me." the Time Lord said with a frown. I'll need some sort of wire to pick the lock."

"I don't see any." Clara said, glancing around the cell.

"The only wire in here is my underwire." Clara's vagina said.

"If you have a wire, give it to me." the Doctor ordered.

"I hate it when he orders me around." Clara's vagina said.

Clara cleared her throat and said, "My underwire is, ah..." She looked down and lowered her voice to a near whisper. "It's in my bra."

The Doctor's eyes widened dramatically. "Oh."

The muffled voice from the Doctor's groin said, "I might have to break it. I might have to see her breasts again."

"Don't act like it's such a chore!" Clara huffed.

"That wouldn't be so bad." Clara's vagina said. "He's seen them before."

The Doctor's face turned red and Clara's vagina spoke up once more. "He's blushing. He's so adorable when he does that."

The Doctor grinned and it was Clara's turn to blush. "Shut up!" Clara said angrily. "You too, Doctor!"

"I didn't say anything!" the Time Lord replied.

"You were going to, though." Clara said with a frown.

"Are you going to give me the wire or not?" the Doctor asked.

"Fine." Clara huffed.

"I hope this doesn't become weird." Clara's vagina said awkwardly.

The Doctor, also feeling a bit awkward, said, "It'll only be weird if you make it weird."

Clara glared at the Doctor and slipped her shirt off. She then began to unhook her bra. The Doctor stared at her for a moment before quickly looking away. "Oh gods." His crotch-voice said in a high-pitched tone.

He heard the sound of clothing being removed, and then being put back on. "You can look now." Clara said.

The Doctor turned around to see Clara with her shirt back on, holding her lacy, black bra out for him. The Time Lord quickly took the garment from his companion's hand. He had to tear the bra to remove the wire. He heard Clara's vagina say, "Great. Now he owes me a new bra."

"I'll replace it." the Doctor said as he started picking the lock.

"Eventually." the Time Lord's penis said. "Maybe. If I remember."

Clare just glared at the Doctor's back. "He's lucky that I like him." Clara's vagina huffed.

The Doctor pretended not to hear that as he picked the lock. There was the sound of the cell door unlocking. The Doctor grinned and exclaimed, "Ah-ha!"

Clara rubbed her arms. "Is it me or is it getting cold in here?" she asked.

The Doctor turned around to Look at Clara and his eyes bulged when he spotted her chest. In a very loud voice, the Time Lord's penis exclaimed, "I CAN SEE HER NIPPLES!"

"Oh god, he's staring at my boobs!" Clara's vagina groaned, sounding quite mortified.

Clara looked down at her chest and saw the effect that the cold had on her nipples. "Oh god, they're staring back!"

"I wasn't staring!" the Doctor huffed, looking away.

"Don't look." the voice from the Doctor's crotch said. "Whatever you do, don't look. She'll slap you if you do."

Clara folded her arms over her chest and glared at the Doctor, fuming but saying nothing. That was, until her genitals spoke up. "He's such a pain sometimes. Well, I guess that at least he's _trying_ not to look."

"Is she going to give me a chance?" the muffled voice coming from the Doctor's groin questioned. "It sounds like she's going to give me a chance."

"Don't blow it." Clara said.

The Doctor opened the door and held it open. "After you." He said with a smile.

Clara glanced at him before looking directly in front of her. Her vagina spoke again: "He's smiling that smile. He he has no idea what that smile does to me."

"What does that smile do to her?" the Doctor's crotch questioned "She's blushing. Why is she blushing?"

"I'm not blushing!" Clara hissed.

"Let's just get out of here." The exasperated Doctor said.

Seconds later, a blast of laser fire narrowly missed the Doctor's head. There was a brief skirmish, followed by more laser fire as more guards arrived and more prisoners escaped. Fifteen minutes later, the Doctor had his sonic shades back and he and Clara were both safely onboard the TARDIS. "I think," the Timelord said as he sent his ship into the vortex, "that we may have inadvertently caused the prison riot that led to the coup that overthrew the theocratic government. In eighteen months, it will have been fully replaced by a secular government, which led to a more just society and a future of science, progress, and the legalization of pizza on Arturion Alpha."

"Pizza was illegal on Arturion Alpha?" Clara was confused.

"Up until the 25th century, about four years from now." the Doctor replied. "Something about tomato sauce being unclean and the consumption of cheese being heretical."

"He's being smart again. He'd better not pull his ego out again." Clara's vagina said. "It's annoying and adorable at the same time when he pulls his ego out."

"I don't have a big ego!" the Doctor protested. "I'm justifiably confident!"

"Are you really?" Clara's vagina asked.

The Doctor looked at his companion with an awkward, vulnerable look on his face. He heard the voice between Clara's voice say, "Oh god, he has that vulnerable look on his face. Does he have any idea what that look does to me? It makes me want to- not going to think about it! Nope!"

Feeling at a loss for words, the Doctor tampered down his curiosity and typed in the coordinates. "52nd century, here we come!" his groin announced.

000000000000000000000000

"It's the 52nd century, but we're on the wrong planet!" Clara groaned.

"Amoria is a perfectly lovely planet." the Doctor replied. "I just forgot what happens this time of year."

"It's the annual fertility festival!" Clara complained. "Clothes are forbidden during this festival! How long does this last, anyway?"

The Doctor looked away and muttered something under his breath. "What was that?" Clara asked.

"Seven days." the Time Lord quietly replied. He then cleared his throat and said, "Just consider yourself lucky that they allowed you to wear your," he gestured towards the lacy, black undergarment that she was wearing. "You know."

"You still owe me a bra." Clara huffed.

"What's she complaining about?" the Doctor's penis questioned. "They're not that bad. I mean, one nipple is slightly darker than the other and they're not exactly massive, but her breasts are more proportional than most humans'. They're definitely the right shape, too. They're the exact same as the last time I saw her naked."

Clara stared at the Time Lord. He looked away and the voice between his legs, slightly less muffled by the fact that he was wearing only his underpants, said, "She heard that. She definitely heard that. I should not have thought about it."

"He had to bring it up." Clara's vagina said awkwardly. "He brought it up and now things are weird. I shouldn't have done this."

The Doctor gave Clara a look that resembled a hurt puppy. The petite human's vagina once again groaned and said, "Great, he's giving me that look again. It makes me want to hug him. It's not fair."

"She can't know that I like hugs." the Doctor's penis said. The Time Lord's eyes widened and his dangly bit said, "Oh, she definitely heard that."

"He really _does_ like hugs!" Clara's between-the-legs voice exclaimed. "I knew it!"

"No I don't!" the Doctor protested.

"Maybe I should have stayed to find out if he's a cuddler." Clara's vagina said thoughtfully, causing its owner to blush. "He heard that, didn't he?"

A line of aliens danced past the pair of them. The one at the back of the line shouted, "Strip and join the conga line if you want to live!"

The next thing the Doctor and Clara knew, they were fully naked and doing the conga with at least a dozen bright pink aliens. Over the next few days, they did their best to escape the debauchery and narrowly avoided engaging in ceremonial coitus with complete strangers on the last day of the festival, in front of a large group of people, including the high priest. Once the festival was over, Clara and the Doctor were free to return to the TARDIS. They currently sat at the table in the galley, each of them dressed in nothing more than a knee-length robe. Clara took a sip of her tea and sat there quietly for a moment before finally speaking up, "Thank you for saving me back there. You know, from having to have sex with a stranger, especially that one bloke. You know the one."

"The one with the horse cock." Clara's vagina provided.

"I couldn't let him hurt you." the Doctor replied honestly.

"Even if he hadn't been too big, I couldn't watch her do _it_ with him." the Doctor's penis softly whispered.

When Clara looked up at the Doctor, she saw that he had that expression on his face. It was the look that he sometimes gave her, seemingly without realizing it. He was looking at her as if she was the most precious thing in the entire universe. "He's giving me _that look_." the voice between Clara's legs said, "It _that look_! He doesn't even realize it! God, when he gives me _that look_ , it makes me want to- _shut up, brain_!"

"What does it make her want to do?" the voice between the Doctor's legs wondered. "Is it good? I hope it's good."

Clara looked away. Her thoughts once again escaped through her genitals. "I can't tell him. I can't tell him what I want to do, what I've been thinking about when he's not around. We need to find a cure _now_."

The Doctor looked away from Clara and said, "I agree."

oooooooooooooooooooooo

At last, the Doctor and Clara were at the sexual health clinic on Aurturion Alpha in the 52nd century. They both sat in the waiting room, having taken a series of tests just to formally be diagnosed and to find out which one of them had given the other the muppetosis. The Doctor's genitals were silent, but that's because he was picturing something. Unwillingly, he was picturing her having sex with some faceless alien. "It hurts to see her doing that." the Doctor's penis said so quietly that it was almost inaudible.

Clara was sitting next to the Doctor, so she heard it. "Doing what?" she asked.

"Nothing." the Doctor replied, still not looking at her.

"We need to get this cured." the voice coming from between the Time Lord's legs said. "This has to get cured before she finds out that I- NO!"

"No what?" Clara asked.

"Nothing." the Doctor said hastily.

"This is getting awkward." Clara's vagina muttered.

Seconds later, a nurse stuck her head into the waiting room and called out, "Clara and the Doctor?"

The duo followed the nurse to the room where they would meet up with the doctor that was going to treat them. After waiting in their chairs for about ten minutes, a taupe-skinned man with pink eyes walked in. "Hello." he said. "It's me, Doctor Blynk. Your test results are here."

"What do they say?" Clara asked.

"Well, they've confirmed that you have genital muppetosis." Dr. Blynk replied.

"Can you tell who she got it from?" the Doctor asked. "I'd like to know how she gave it to me."

"I didn't give it to you!" Clara snapped.

"She's right." Dr. Blynk said. "You gave it to her. Your differing physiology caused you to get symptoms after she did, which understandably led to your confusion regarding who contracted it first."

"Oh." the Doctor said sheepishly.

His penis followed up by saying, "Well, it looks like I'm the universe's biggest arse."

"You're right about that!" Clara's vagina snapped.

Clara cleared her throat and said, "The Doctor said that there's a cure. Will you give it to us?"

"Sure." Dr. Blynk replied with a chuckle. He wrote something down on a pad of paper and ripped off a sheet to give to the Doctor and Clara. "Give this to Janyn at the chemist's and she'll get you the medication. It's just one pill. You should be cured in about three hours, give or take."

Clara and the Doctor both took the pills immediately after receiving them. When they exited the chemist's, they found that the TARDIS had been towed. It took them two hours to find her and another hour to get her out of impound. Over these few hours, the voices between their legs had gotten quieter. Once Clara and the Doctor were inside the TARDIS, the Time Lord's genitals spoke up. "I guess this means that we're going to go back to pretending that it didn't happen."

"Pretend that what didn't happen?" Clara asked.

The Doctor had a weary expression on his face as he replied, "You know what."

"He's bringing it up." Clara's vagina said. "He's bringing it up and I can't lie to him because my-"

Suddenly, it went silent. There were no sounds coming from the Doctor's groin, either. The Time Lord was quiet for a while before he said, "I don't want to pretend that it didn't happen."

Clara swallowed audibly before meeting the Doctor's eyes. "Neither do I." she admitted. "What are we going to do?"

"Accept that it happened." the Doctor replied. "Accept it and then consider-"

He shut his mouth and looked away. Clara placed a hand on his arm and asked, "Consider what, Doctor?"

The Doctor breathed for a moment before looking back at Clara. "Consider whether or not we want to do it again."

"Do you want to do it again?" Clara asked.

"Yes." the Doctor replied. "Do _you_ want to do it again?"

"Of course." Clara said with an awkward smile. "I, ah, don't usually do one-night stands."

"Me neither." the Doctor admitted. "Well, except for the time where I apparently caught genital muppetosis. I think I know who it was."

"Who?" Clara asked.

"It was one of your echoes." the Doctor admitted. "I had eaten a great deal of cheese and she looked so much like you. This wasn't like me because I usually only make love with people I care about."

Make love? Clara was surprised to hear him phrase it like that. She inhaled sharply before asking, "Are you saying what I think you're saying, Doctor?"

"Yes." the Time Lord said with a shy smile, the one that Clara loved so much.

"Ah." Clara said. She returned that smile and said, "I care about you too, Doctor. I just sometimes..."

"Make stupid decisions?" the Doctor offered.

Clara glared at the Time Lord, but that glare quickly softened and turned into a smile. "Yeah, I do."

The human wrapped her arms around the Doctor and, with the secret being out that he liked her hugs, he returned the embrace. "Doctor?" Clara whispered into the Doctor's chest.

"What is it?" the Time Lord asked.

He could feel his impossible girl smile into his chest. A grin erupted onto his face when she finally said, "You're the best stupid decision I've ever made."


End file.
